The Happy Ending Shakespeare Company, Volume 3

MACBETH
by William Shakespeare

     (a wood.  MACBETH and BANQUO enter.  They’ve just won a battle.  It’s late.  They encounter a trio of witches.)

WITCH 1. Macbeth, you will be king.
WITCH 2. Banquo, your sons will be kings.
MACBETH.  Really?
BANQUO.  Wow.  Really?
MACBETH.  Hey, fabulous.
BANQUO.  That’s great.
MACBETH.  Hey, congratulations, buddy.
BANQUO.  Right back atcha.
MACBETH.  This calls for a celebration.
BANQUO.  I’ll go get the mead.
MACBETH.  Wait a minute.  Wait.
BANQUO.  What’s up?
MACBETH.  I’m going to be king?
WITCH 3. Yes, and Banquo, your sons will be king.
BANQUO.  That’s me, second place again.  Ha.  (Beat)  Thane?
MACBETH.  Hmm.
BANQUO.  What’s the matter?
MACBETH.  Well, I’m thinking.
BANQUO.  Share.
MACBETH.  Well, I like power.  You know I like power.  And my wife certainly likes power.
BANQUO.  Boy, does she.  (to Witches) You should get a load of his wife.
WITCH 1.  Mm.
MACBETH.  It’s just —
BANQUO.  What.
MACBETH.  Well, I’m thinking — you know what I’m thinking?  I’m thinking, who are these women?
BANQUO.  How do you mean?
MACBETH.  Well, let’s look at the situation.  They’re camping in the woods.
BANQUO.  Yes —
MACBETH.  And they’re, well, let’s say they have spurned the fickle master of contemporary fashion.
BANQUO.  Agreed —
MACBETH.  And they’re ugly.
BANQUO.  Mm hm —
MACBETH.  That one even has a wart.
BANQUO.  Mm.  And that means — ?
MACBETH.  Who is the messenger?
BANQUO.  Who —
MACBETH.  You see?
BANQUO.  Mm.
MACBETH.  I — wait — is that, is that a cauldron?
BANQUO.  I — well how about that.  It is.  It is a cauldron.
MACBETH.  See?
BANQUO.  I’m beginning to.
MACBETH.  Here’s what I’m thinking.  I’d like to be king, you know that.
BANQUO.  Sure.
MACBETH.  I like nice things, my wife likes nice things, It would be great to have everyone pay me taxes.  Truth is, I’m kind of sick of being Thane, hauling my ass out into the woods to fight battles for Duncan, who, as you know, I don’t hold in the highest regard.
BANQUO.  We were just talking about it.
MACBETH. (imitating Duncan as a drooling idiot) “Hey, Thane, go fight a battle for me!  It’ll increase my glory!”
BANQUO. (laughs appreciatively) Boy, you nailed him.  You nailed him.
MACBETH.  It was up to me, sure, I’d be king, your sons would be kings, everything.
BANQUO.  Sure.
MACBETH.  Whole deal.  The works.  Let’s go for it.  Right?
BANQUO.  Right.
MACBETH.  But it’s not up to me.
BANQUO.  It’s — oh, that’s right.
MACBETH.  Know how it’d be up to me?
BANQUO.  How.
MACBETH.  If I killed him.
BANQUO.  Killed — ?
MACBETH.  Duncan.  If I killed him.  You know, like invite him to dinner, drug him, stab him in his sleep.  That’s how I’d become king.
BANQUO.  Mm.
MACBETH.  See?  That’s the only way that would happen.  In our system, the way it is.
BANQUO.  Mm.
MACBETH.  And then what?
BANQUO.  And then you would be king.
MACBETH.  Yeah, but then what?  I’d spend my life worrying that someone was going to find out.  Right?  And what else?
BANQUO.  I don’t know.
MACBETH.  Well, think about it.  I’d have to kill your sons.
BANQUO.  Oh.  Snap.
MACBETH.  And you.
BANQUO.  Riiiiiiiggghht.
MACBETH.  You see?
BANQUO.  Right, ’cause of the — right.  Wow.  (shakes head) Wow.
MACBETH.  And then where would we be?
BANQUO.  Good point.  Wow.
MACBETH.  Would anybody be happy then?
BANQUO.  Not me.
MACBETH.  Not me, not you, not my wife, nobody.
BANQUO.  Shit.  See, that’s why you’re the Thane.
MACBETH.  Now then.
BANQUO.  Mm.
MACBETH.  Now then.  Okay.  So.  Three strange women.  Around a cauldron.  In the woods.  Tell me I’m going to be king.
BANQUO.  I see —
MACBETH.  You see?
BANQUO.  They’re not really in a position to —
MACBETH. — to make that happen.
BANQUO.  They’re talking out their asses.
MACBETH.  Or worse.
BANQUO.  Worse?
MACBETH.  I think they’re witches.
BANQUO.  Shit.  Yeah.  Yeah, ’cause of the cauldron, yeah.  Shit, yeah, witches.  Geez.
MACBETH.  See?
BANQUO.  Abso — yeah.
MACBETH.  When did a witch ever do you a favor?
BANQUO.  Never.
MACBETH.  Why not?
BANQUO.  ‘Cause they’re no damn good.
MACBETH.  You see?
BANQUO.  Fuckin’ witches, man.
MACBETH.  They’re up to no good.  See?  They’ve got nothin’ better to do —
BANQUO.  Than fuck around with a couple of second-level noblemen on their way home through the woods after a battle.
MACBETH.  This is what I’m thinking.
BANQUO.  And we almost fell for it.
MACBETH.  You see?
BANQUO.  Absolutely.
MACBETH.  So, as nice as it would be to be king —
BANQUO.  And for my sons to be kings —
MACBETH.  I think we would do well to not to base important decisions on the words of some witches who live in the woods.
BANQUO.  Pal o’  mine, I think you’re right.
MACBETH.  And so, ladies, we must bid you adieu.
BANQUO.  Yeah, sorry.
MACBETH.  Let’s leave this place, old friend.  Home fires await.
BANQUO.  I’m right with  you.
     (Exeunt.  Beat.)
WITCH 1.  Well, we tried.
     Curtain.

The Happy Ending Shakespeare Company, Volume 2

KING LEAR
by William Shakespeare

     (The throne room.  LEAR and his daughter CORDELIA.)

LEAR.  Do you love me, Cordelia?
CORDELIA.  Of course I do father, don’t be silly.
LEAR.  I just wanted to hear you say it.

     (They embrace.)

Curtain.

The Happy Ending Shakespeare Company, Volume 1

The Happy Ending Shakespeare Company presents:

ROMEO AND JULIET
by William Shakespeare

     (A street in Verona.  ROMEO sits, looking sad.  MERCUTIO enters.)

MERCUTIO.  Romeo!  What’s the matter?
ROMEO.  I’m miserable because Rosaline dumped me.
MERCUTIO. Why don’t you go fuck a prostitute?
ROMEO. (immediately brightens)  Hey!  Great idea!

Curtain.