The Happy Ending Shakespeare Company, Volume 2

by William Shakespeare

     (The throne room.  LEAR and his daughter CORDELIA.)

LEAR.  Do you love me, Cordelia?
CORDELIA.  Of course I do father, don’t be silly.
LEAR.  I just wanted to hear you say it.

     (They embrace.)

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27 Responses to “The Happy Ending Shakespeare Company, Volume 2”
  1. medox says:

    Now that’s what I’ve been saying from the beginning. Damn this play frustrates me!

  2. The Brick Theatre in Williamsburg recently performed King Lear with a happy ending that was substituted for Shakespeare’s in performance for a couple of centuries (everyone lives, everyone gets married, etc.) as part of their $ellout Festival.

    Best of all, they kept it a secret, so you didn’t know it was coming.

    The audience seemed to divide into three parts once Cordelia suddenly came back to life — those who realized what they were doing and cracked up, those who knew “this wasn’t Shakespeare” and were peeved, and those who didn’t know the play, who were just confused at the change in tone and the reactions around them.

  3. mr_noy says:

    The Merchant of Venice
    A Street in Venice. Enter Bassiano and Antonio, seperately.

    BASSIANO: Hey Antonio, why the sad face?ANTONIO: Oh, I just lost my shirt on a huge investment (under his breath) and I’m totally gay for you.
    BASSIANO: What was that? Never mind, I came to tell you about this hot chick named Portia. Can I borrow some money to impress her with?
    Enter Shylock.
    ANTONIO: Well, I’m tapped out but let me see if I can do. (To Shylock) Hey, old Jewish guy! Can I borrow some money?
    SHYLOCK: I’ll lend you 3000 ducats you goy bastard but if you default on the loan it’ll cost you a pound of your flesh. Literally.
    ANTONIO: You know what, I don’t like your terms. Sorry Bassiano, the deal’s off.
    Exit Shylock
    BASSIANO: Oh well, you tried. You’re a good friend.
    ANTONIO: I’ve always loved you.
    BASSIANO: Seriously?
    ANTONIO: Yeah, but I was always too scared to tell you. Why do you think I’ve been so depressed?
    BASSIANO: I’m willing to try anything once. Let’s go back to your place.
    ANTONIO: Ok!
    Exeunt, holding hands.

    • Todd says:

      Damn, you stole my plot for Volume 3.

      • mr_noy says:

        Steal it back and make it better. That’s what Willy would have done.

        • Todd says:

          by William Shakespeare

          (Antonio’s office. Antonio is sad. Bassanio enters.)

          BASSANIO. Antonio, I am in love!
          ANTONIO. So am I, Bassanio. (beat) So am I.
          BASSANIO. I need to borrow three thousand ducats to woo the girl.
          ANTONIO. Good luck with that.
          BASSANIO. What?
          ANTONIO. I’m broke, Bassanio. Broke. All my ships are out. You know this. I have no money. To lend you money I would have to borrow it from a Jew.
          BASSANIO. Oh. Well. Awkward pause.
          ANTONIO. Awkward pause indeed. Because you know what, Bassanio? I’m through with this shit. This lie. This stupid game we play.
          BASSANIO. This —
          ANTONIO. Stop it, Bassanio. Just stop it. I love you and you know it. You’ve known it for years. And I might be a weak-willed homosexual but that doesn’t mean I have no self-respect.
          BASSANIO. (shocked) I —
          ANTONIO. Borrow money, to give to you, so you can go pouncing off to marry some princess, forget it. Fuck you. You’re a parasite.
          BASSANIO. Antonio!
          ANTONIO. How about if instead of marrying a princess, how about if instead of that, you grow up a little and stop using your charm to get stupid rich folk to bail you out of your sinking boat.
          BASSANIO. I — I —
          ANTONIO. I hate you, I hate you, you come in here, your stupid hair, your stupid eyes, you stupid little — you — you —
          (He embraces Bassanio tearfully, passionately.)
          BASSANIO. Oh god, Antonio. Antonio! I’ve been a fool. Kiss me.
          (They kiss.)


  4. kornleaf says:

    hamlet’s father isn’t really dead, everyone gets together and has figgy pudding

  5. popebuck1 says:

    DUKE: Benedick, when are you and Beatrice just going to admit you’re in love with each other?

    BENEDICK: Are you kidding? We can’t stand each other. It’d never work out – we’d be at each other’s throats in a second.

    DUKE: I guess you’re right. Still, the angry sex would be terrific…

    BENEDICK: No shit. That’s why we do that part already.


  6. eronanke says:

    Iago: Hey, Othello, you’re wife’s totally cheating on you.
    Othello: I am trust my wife. She’s a nice lady, and you’re kinda shady.
    Iago: DAMNNIT.

  7. vinic says:

    Julius Caesar
    By William Shakespeare

         (A public square.  A SOOTHSAYER accosts CAESAR.)

    CAESAR.  You there, with the limp. Would you be so kind as to inform me of who’s tunic I may use to wipe my ass?
    SOOTHSAYER.  Beware the Ides of March. Your bro Brutus is gonna stab you.
    CAESAR.  That’s not out of the ordinary.
    SOOTHSAYER.  With a knife.
    CAESAR.  Oh well fuck. Are you serious?
    SOOTHSAYER.  What? Yeah, man, I’m a soothsayer, I don’t fuck around.
    CAESAR.  But Brutus? Jesus. I’ll have to take care of that.
    SOOTHSAYER.  You’ll thank me later.
    CAESAR.  What an asshole.
    SOOTHSAYER.  Yeah, man.
    CAESAR.  Speaking of assholes.

         (CAESAR wipes his ass with the SOOTHSAYER’s tunic.)

    CAESAR.  I’m not tipping.


  8. cheshyre says:

    These are fun

    Love’s Labours Lost
    by William Shakespeare:

    King of Navarre: Let’s swear off women!
    Berowne: But the Princess of France is coming to visit, and she’s brought enough hotties for us all!
    Navarre: Oh, yeah, that’s right. Well, screw that idea!

    • cheshyre says:

      And one more

      Taming of the Shrew
      by William Shakespeare:

      Hortensio: If you marry Katherina, I can get it on with her younger sister.
      Petruchio: That shrew? No way. Forget it.

  9. kornleaf says:

    cleopatra: Oh Anthony, why are you dead?
    Anthony: Actually I think I’ll be ok
    Cleopatra: Oh, then let’s go live somewhere else and run away.
    Anthony: K

    Octavius: Meh, let them be, we got this cool egypt.

  10. urbaniak says:

    by William Shakespeare

    BERNARDO: Who’s there?


    FORTINBRAS: Go, bid the soldiers shoot.


  11. xiphias says:


    Now is the winter of our discontent
    Made glorious summer by this sun of York;
    And all the clouds that lour’d upon our house
    In the deep bosom of the ocean buried.
    Now are our brows bound with victorious wreaths;
    Our bruised arms hung up for monuments;
    Our stern alarums changed to merry meetings,
    Our dreadful marches to delightful measures.
    Grim-visaged war hath smooth’d his wrinkled front;
    And now, instead of mounting barded steeds
    To fright the souls of fearful adversaries,
    He capers nimbly in a lady’s chamber
    To the lascivious pleasing of a lute.
    But I, that am not shaped for sportive tricks,
    Nor made to court an amorous looking-glass;
    I, that am rudely stamp’d, and want love’s majesty
    To strut before a wanton ambling nymph;
    I, that am curtail’d of this fair proportion,
    Cheated of feature by dissembling nature,
    Deformed, unfinish’d, sent before my time
    Into this breathing world, scarce half made up,
    And that so lamely and unfashionable
    That dogs bark at me as I halt by them;
    Have been chosen by the producers
    Of Extreme Makeover
    To be refashioned according to the stamp
    Of the common rabble’s fashion sense.
    ‘Though many may consider this cause mad
    To find oneself remade into a clone
    Of every pretty face which leers and struts
    Across a carpet on fair Oscars’ Night
    Yet for my part I find I would
    Rather have my twisted back set right.
    My twisted mind I find will suffice
    To make my fame in reality TV.
    In these days I will now overmatch
    Dog the Bounty Hunter and Richard Hatch.

    • Todd says:

      Excellent. Alas, iambic pentameter is beyond my writing skills.

      • xiphias says:

        I don’t know why you think it is so hard.
        It quite well mimics flows of normal speech.
        In fact, one can often do quite well
        In talking this way off the cuff, like this.
        It helps that the way the rules are used
        It’s fine to sometimes squeeze or stretch a word.
        For me, the only part which takes some time
        Is making up the ending couplet-rhyme.

  12. agharta75 says:

    by William Shakespeare

    TIMON. I’m really depressed.
    VENTIDIUS. Take a Prozac.