The Happy Ending Shakespeare Company, Volume 1
The Happy Ending Shakespeare Company presents:
ROMEO AND JULIET
by William Shakespeare
(A street in Verona. ROMEO sits, looking sad. MERCUTIO enters.)
MERCUTIO. Romeo! What’s the matter?
ROMEO. I’m miserable because Rosaline dumped me.
MERCUTIO. Why don’t you go fuck a prostitute?
ROMEO. (immediately brightens) Hey! Great idea!
Curtain.
HAMLET
By William Shakespeare
GUARD. Do you hear something?
GUARD. No.
GUARD. Oh, never mind then.
Curtain.
Well, apparently Shakespeare actually did pen a lost play called “Love’s Labour’s Won”.
MACBETH
by William Shakespeare
(An open place. Thunder and lightning. Enter two WITCHES.)
1 WITCH. When shall we three meet again?
2 WITCH. Actually, Agnes had to cancel because she couldn’t find a sitter for her grandson.
1 WITCH. But now we won’t be able to mess with that Macbeth guy!
2 WITCH. Yeah, I know. More’s the pity.
1 WITCH. (sighs) I hate Scotland. Let’s go someplace sunny for a change.
2 WITCH. That’s a good idea. I could do with a vacation…
(Exeunt.)
HENRY V:
Henry: I wish to rule nothing other than England, and maybe keep having drinks with my friends after work.
(Entire history of world is changed!)
Titus Andronicus
by William Shakespeare
(A street in Rome)
Ensemble: The Emperor is Dead! Titus Andronicus, willst thou be our new Emperor?
Titus Andronicus: Sure!
(Everyone is happy)
Curtain.
Julius Ceasar
Brutus: By Jove! Caesar hath accepted the crown Antony offered and the citizenry rejoice without limit!
Crassius: Where once I thought fickle the favor of vox populi, I now see that it doth lead us true.
Brutus: As captains of the public’s sacred trust,
Accept the rule of Caesar now we must.
(Exeunt)
Call Me Ishmael
When I’m feeling down, I just buy myself a new Lexus.
The End.
In keeping with the theme of abbreviated classics:
The Shortest Production of A Christmas Carol.
CRATCHIT: But why Mr. Scrooge? Why won’t you celebrate Christmas? ‘Tis but once a year.
SCROOGE: Because I’m Jewish Bob.
CRATCHIT: Oh…I had no idea. How insensitive of me. Now I feel like an ass.
SCROOGE: Indeed. Take the whole day tomorrow if you must but be sure to be here all the earlier the following morning. Now back to work with you and let’s never speak of this again.
CRATCHIT: Yes Mr. Scrooge.
I never realized it before, but yeah, Dickens was a total anti-Semite! The bastard!
HAL: “Falstaff, old fellow, you are most welcome to Our Coronation!”
*drinks all round*
OTHELLO
DESDEMONA IS DISCOVERED SITTING ALONE, SEWING. ENTER IAGO.
IAGO: Is not thine husband here tonight, lady?
DESDEMONA: Nay, good stalwart. He spends tonight at his Anger Management Class.
IAGO: Bugger!
Michael Cule
Aging Civil Servant