The Happy Ending Shakespeare Company, Volume 1

The Happy Ending Shakespeare Company presents:

by William Shakespeare

     (A street in Verona.  ROMEO sits, looking sad.  MERCUTIO enters.)

MERCUTIO.  Romeo!  What’s the matter?
ROMEO.  I’m miserable because Rosaline dumped me.
MERCUTIO. Why don’t you go fuck a prostitute?
ROMEO. (immediately brightens)  Hey!  Great idea!

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11 Responses to “The Happy Ending Shakespeare Company, Volume 1”
  1. ayrn says:

    By William Shakespeare

    GUARD. Do you hear something?
    GUARD. No.
    GUARD. Oh, never mind then.


  2. gdh says:

    Well, apparently Shakespeare actually did pen a lost play called “Love’s Labour’s Won”.

  3. craigjclark says:

    by William Shakespeare

    (An open place. Thunder and lightning. Enter two WITCHES.)

    1 WITCH. When shall we three meet again?
    2 WITCH. Actually, Agnes had to cancel because she couldn’t find a sitter for her grandson.
    1 WITCH. But now we won’t be able to mess with that Macbeth guy!
    2 WITCH. Yeah, I know. More’s the pity.
    1 WITCH. (sighs) I hate Scotland. Let’s go someplace sunny for a change.
    2 WITCH. That’s a good idea. I could do with a vacation…


  4. kleenexwoman says:

    HENRY V:

    Henry: I wish to rule nothing other than England, and maybe keep having drinks with my friends after work.

    (Entire history of world is changed!)

  5. eronanke says:

    Titus Andronicus
    by William Shakespeare

    (A street in Rome)
    Ensemble: The Emperor is Dead! Titus Andronicus, willst thou be our new Emperor?
    Titus Andronicus: Sure!
    (Everyone is happy)


  6. laminator_x says:

    Julius Ceasar

    Brutus: By Jove! Caesar hath accepted the crown Antony offered and the citizenry rejoice without limit!

    Crassius: Where once I thought fickle the favor of vox populi, I now see that it doth lead us true.

    Brutus: As captains of the public’s sacred trust,
    Accept the rule of Caesar now we must.


  7. greyaenigma says:

    Call Me Ishmael

    When I’m feeling down, I just buy myself a new Lexus.

    The End.

  8. mr_noy says:

    In keeping with the theme of abbreviated classics:

    The Shortest Production of A Christmas Carol.

    CRATCHIT: But why Mr. Scrooge? Why won’t you celebrate Christmas? ‘Tis but once a year.

    SCROOGE: Because I’m Jewish Bob.

    CRATCHIT: Oh…I had no idea. How insensitive of me. Now I feel like an ass.

    SCROOGE: Indeed. Take the whole day tomorrow if you must but be sure to be here all the earlier the following morning. Now back to work with you and let’s never speak of this again.

    CRATCHIT: Yes Mr. Scrooge.

  9. HAL: “Falstaff, old fellow, you are most welcome to Our Coronation!”

    *drinks all round*

    • Anonymous says:



      IAGO: Is not thine husband here tonight, lady?

      DESDEMONA: Nay, good stalwart. He spends tonight at his Anger Management Class.

      IAGO: Bugger!

      Michael Cule
      Aging Civil Servant