In happier news —
Jack White and Alicia Keyes have recorded the under-the-titles song for the new James Bond movie, and you can here it here. It crunches. Duran Duran are running for the hills, a-ha hang their heads in shame and even Shirley Bassey is checking over her shoulder as this Bond-a-riffic juggernaut comes trundling down the pike.
Bush’s speech, translated
This is a pivotal moment for America’s economy.
SOMEBODY TOLD ME I HAD TO GET UP AND SAY SOMETHING. SO HERE I AM.
Problems that originated in the credit markets — and first showed up in the area of subprime mortgages —
PROBLEMS THAT ORIGINATED IN MY OWN ECONOMIC POLICIES, AND IN LEGISLATION DEVISED BY PHIL GRAMM, JOHN McCAIN’S ECONOMIC ADVISER —
— have spread throughout our financial system.
THE BILL FOR EIGHT YEARS OF FEEDING AT THE TROUGH HAS COME DUE A LITTLE SOONER THAN I HAD HOPED IT WOULD. MY SOLUTION IS TO RE-FILL THE TROUGH WITH A TRILLION DOLLARS OF TAXPAYER’S MONEY — OH, NOT WEALTHY TAXPAYERS’ MONEY, THAT WOULD BE SOCIALISM.
This has led to an erosion of confidence that has frozen many financial transactions, including loans to consumers and to businesses seeking to expand and create jobs.
NOBODY COULD HAVE PREDICTED THAT RATS WOULD FLEE A SINKING SHIP.
As a result, we must act now to protect our nation’s economic health from serious risk.
AS A RESULT, WE MUST ACT NOW TO PROTECT REPUBLICANS’ CHANCES OF RE-ELECTION IN NOVEMBER, OTHERWISE I MIGHT BE CHARGED WITH WAR CRIMES, AND I DON’T WANT THAT TO HAPPEN.
There will be ample opportunity to debate the origins of this problem.
ANYBODY WHO TRIES TO PIN THIS ON ME WILL BE SMEARED AS A TRAITOR.
Now is the time to solve it.
NOW IS THE TIME TO PUT A BANDAID ON IT AND HOPE THAT KEEPS PEOPLE HAPPY UNTIL THE SECOND WEEK OF NOVEMBER.
In our nation’s history, there have been moments that require us to come together across party lines to address major challenges. This is such a moment.
BEND OVER.
_________________________
It goes on, but you get the idea.
Monsters! Creature from the Black Lagoon
WHAT DOES THE PROTAGONIST WANT? David Reed is an ichthyologist with a hot tip: the skeleton arm of a heretofore unknown creature from the Devonian age has been unearthed somewhere near the Amazon River. Investigation of the find leads him to the legendary Black Lagoon, where, it turns out, the selfsame Devonian creature stilllives. Reed wants to study the creature in its natural environment. He is opposed in this pursuit by fellow scientist Mark Williams, who wants to kill it, haul it back to America and make big bucks. David is either compromised in his pursuit by the presence of winsome Kay Lawrence or encouraged by it, depending on his mood.
WHO IS THE MONSTER? The titular Creature opposes David in his pursuit in the strongest possible terms. On the other hand, it also seems to have the hots for Kay, which compromises its position. In this way, the creature is a dark reflection of David.
WHAT IS THE WARNING? Creatures from the Devonian age are better left in the Devonian age, and we would do well to leave them alone. Take heed, world! On a subtextual level, the warning seems to have more to do with mixing business and pleasure, more on which to come.
The rain on McCain
Another day, another moment of idiocy from the McCain campaign. It seems that McCain either doesn’t know where Spain is, or else doesn’t know who the Spanish prime minister is, or both. While being interviewed by a Spanish journalist, who clearly identified herself as Spanish, as in Spain, the country in Europe, several times, McCain kept responding to her as though she was talking about Latin America, and suggested repeatedly that the Spanish prime minister must be considered an enemy to the US unless and until he proves himself otherwise.
More here and here, with the audio here, for the benefit of my Spanish-speaking readers. Hola!
UPDATE: here is the interview in its original English.
Monsters! The Wolf Man
WHAT DOES THE PROTAGONIST WANT? Larry Talbot has come home to his ancestral manse in England after 18 years in the US. Like David Kessler in American Werewolf, much in England seems foreign, backward and mysterious to Talbot. When he finds himself turning into a werewolf, his only goal is to know: is this really happening to him or is it all in his mind? He doesn’t even get as far as wanting to find a cure for his affliction — he just wants to understand the source.
WHO IS THE MONSTER? Talbot goes on murderous rampages when he is transformed into the wolf-man, but in his daylight life he’s as gentle and guileless as Lennie from Of Mice and Men. Is he responsible for the murders he commits, or is the wolf-man some other personality altogether?
WHAT IS THE WARNING? The script clearly states that lycanthropy is a metaphor for the dual nature of all men, but a modern perspective suggests a more complex, nuanced message.
This just in
Wow, who wrote that, Karl Marx? Sean Penn? Keith Olberman?
No, it’s Wick Allison, ex-publisher of the National Review. You may read the rest of his endorsement of Obama here. If there were more conservative voices like this I might actually have some respect for them.
Today’s economic lesson
So remember kids:
Federal government spending a single dime on infrastructure, health care, national parks, wildlife protection, arts or education: EVIL SOCIALISM!
Federal government spending $85 billion to purchase badly-mismanaged insurance company: AWESOME REPUBLICAN PHILOSOPHY FTW!
Monsters! Wolfen
WHAT DOES THE PROTAGONIST WANT? Detective Dewey Wilson is charged with solving the bizarre, mysterious murder of Big Deal Guy Christopher Van DerVeer. Was it a political assassination? Was it terrorists? Was it angry Native Americans? Or was it — evil?
WHO ARE THE MONSTERS? You’d never guess it from the title, but it turns out the monsters are wolves. Or is it Americans who are the monsters?
WHAT IS THE WARNING? Wolves, Wolfen informs us, help out American cities by devouring their sick and providing a check on gentrification. We must not destroy rotting slums and build new apartment blocks — it will anger the wolves.
Campaign update
Faced with the greatest economic crisis since the Great Depression, one that shows no signs of miraculously getting better, John McCain yesterday nevertheless insisted "the fundamentals of our economy are strong."
(Actually, what he said was "The fundamentals are, of our economy are strong," stammering and gasping through what he knew to be a pathetic, desperate lie: watch the video and you can see the terror in his expression as he uncorks this whopper. He honestly looks like he’s worried that the collective audience is about to laugh him off stage.)
Since McCain knows he cannot possibly win on his record or his policies, his campaign has no choice but to hurl meaningless distractions and lies, commonly known as "bullshit," into the media manure-spreader. To distract voters from his current inarguable position (oh, wait, did you hear? When he said "the fundamentals of our economy" he didn’t mean things like stock trading, housing starts, inflation, food prices, real estate prices or consumer spending — he meant the proud souls of the American workers, and how DARE you suggest that he meant anything else, how DARE you suggest that the souls of the American workers are not stronger than ever!) he know he’ll have to come up with a lie so big, so outrageous, so patently untrue that it cannot help but dominate the news cycle. Let’s see, he already lied about his VP pick being a reformer, and he’s already tried to tar his opponent as a child molester, hmm, it doesn’t seem like he could push it any further than that, but —
Aha! I know, he’ll claim that he invented the Blackberry! That’s right, John McCain, who claims that he cannot use a computer, cannot send an email, cannot open a website, does not know about the internet, nevertheless invented the Blackberry. Bravo!
So, check this out. A few days ago, the National Review, a dead-end conservative rag, defends McCain’s technological impairment from those mean, mean Democrats by claiming, you know what, John McCain can’t use a Blackberry because — yes, that’s right — he was a POW. How DARE the Democrats pick on a POW for being unable to use a Blackberry, how DARE they! He can’t type with his fingers or lift a Blackberry to his ear because of the terrible, terrible wounds he received as a POW.
Oh — except that he does. All the time.
Next, we will hear that he invented the telephone — why not? He was alive back then.
UPDATE: McCain, not even kidding, now claims to have invented cell phones and wifi as well.