Bush’s speech, translated

This is a pivotal moment for America’s economy.

SOMEBODY TOLD ME I HAD TO GET UP AND SAY SOMETHING.  SO HERE I AM.

Problems that originated in the credit markets — and first showed up in the area of subprime mortgages —

PROBLEMS THAT ORIGINATED IN MY OWN ECONOMIC POLICIES, AND IN LEGISLATION DEVISED BY PHIL GRAMM, JOHN McCAIN’S ECONOMIC ADVISER —

— have spread throughout our financial system.

THE BILL FOR EIGHT YEARS OF FEEDING AT THE TROUGH HAS COME DUE A LITTLE SOONER THAN I HAD HOPED IT WOULD.  MY SOLUTION IS TO RE-FILL THE TROUGH WITH A TRILLION DOLLARS OF TAXPAYER’S MONEY — OH, NOT WEALTHY TAXPAYERS’ MONEY, THAT WOULD BE SOCIALISM.

This has led to an erosion of confidence that has frozen many financial transactions, including loans to consumers and to businesses seeking to expand and create jobs.

NOBODY COULD HAVE PREDICTED THAT RATS WOULD FLEE A SINKING SHIP.

As a result, we must act now to protect our nation’s economic health from serious risk.

AS A RESULT, WE MUST ACT NOW TO PROTECT REPUBLICANS’ CHANCES OF RE-ELECTION IN NOVEMBER, OTHERWISE I MIGHT BE CHARGED WITH WAR CRIMES, AND I DON’T WANT THAT TO HAPPEN.

There will be ample opportunity to debate the origins of this problem.

ANYBODY WHO TRIES TO PIN THIS ON ME WILL BE SMEARED AS A TRAITOR.

Now is the time to solve it.

NOW IS THE TIME TO PUT A BANDAID ON IT AND HOPE THAT KEEPS PEOPLE HAPPY UNTIL THE SECOND WEEK OF NOVEMBER.

In our nation’s history, there have been moments that require us to come together across party lines to address major challenges.  This is such a moment.

BEND OVER.
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It goes on, but you get the idea.