The Hen-House Crisis

My fellow Americans, today I would like to address the problem we face with America’s hen-house.

Due to circumstances no one really understands, foxes have been put in charge of operating our hen-house. There will be plenty of time in the future to debate about whose decision it was to put foxes in charge of the hen-house, but the fact remains that the foxes have eaten all the hens and now we are out of hens. This is a crisis of far-reaching import — American hens are the envy of the world and we cannot afford to be without them. I shall call this the Hen-House stats

I have spoken with the foxes who run our hen-house and they have assured me that this is a crisis. Our hen-house must be filled with hens immediately or it will lead to a world-wide shortage of hens. That means no chicken dinners, no scrambled eggs, no Denver omelets, no feathered pillows. And that cannot be allowed to happen.  The world turns to us for hens and hen-related policy.

And so it is up to each and every American to supply our foxes with more hens, to dig deep and sacrifice their hard-earned hens so that the foxes will have more hens to mind. This is the only way out of this crisis — the foxes must be given more hens.  It is the only solution to our problem, and anyone who suggests otherwise, well I have to question their belief in hens.  

If the foxes are not given more hens, they will go hungry, and we cannot afford a nation with hungry foxes. Foxes are the backbone of our hen-fox structure — foxes provide America with whatever hens they don’t devour, and if we don’t supply our foxes with an unending stream of hens we will have no hens at all.

My plan calls for Americans to supply our foxes with seven hundred billion hens — give or take, on an ongoing basis, whenever the foxes ask for them, for whatever purposes the foxes see fit.  This deal is non-negotiable and permanent, and our foxes will be under no obligation to tell us how they are tending our hens or when, if ever, we will ever see any hens again.  Because we need so many hens immediately, this means that a lot of Americans who have never raised hens will need to learn to do so, otherwise our foxes will have no hens to tend. Some Americans may need to work an extra job in order to buy the materials they will need to raise hens to give to our foxes, but that is a sacrifice I am willing to demand.

I have been assured by America’s foxes that they will be very wise and cautious in the stewardship of these billions upon billions of hens, that the hens we provide the foxes will be bred into even more hens, which will then, the foxes assure me, returned to the Americans who provided them.  We will then be, I am told, swimming in hens, thanks to the very wise foxes of the American hen-house industry.


30 Responses to “The Hen-House Crisis”
  1. teamwak says:

    Brilliant stuff! You should write for films, or something! 😉

    Actually, have you never fancied doing the Sorkin route? You have a sharp eye for political commentary. Ever fancied eviscerating The Man in screenplay form? The West Wing with Werewolves?

  2. Anonymous says:

    That’s supposed to be John Locke.

  3. ebonlock says:

    Would you please run for office so I can vote for you? Although I suspect that would mean less time for your film and tv reviews…

  4. nykeyoung says:

    Hilarious. Y’mind if I link?

  5. mikeyed says:

    you mean the foxes know how to better delegate and middle manage our hen concerns? i always thought they looked cute in suits.

  6. noskilz says:

    A fine summary of the situation that anyone can understand – although the bright lights who couldn’t quite grasp “you can’t get blood from a stone” may still have some difficulties.

  7. cieldumort says:

    Definitely good for a chuckle.

  8. stainedecho says:

    Wow, masterfully blogged, good sir.

  9. biscuitpig says:

    You need to publish this further, it’s brilliant. (I picked it up from capthek)

  10. yezra says:

    Chillingly accurate.

    I don’t know about you, but Bush has finally learned how to be transparent: there will be plenty of time in the future to debate who caused this mess, but we won’t be doing that right now. In other words, ‘Less than four months, and I’m golden!’

    It would have been just as effective had he come out wearing a Fauntleroy suit, frolicking around the podium and singing “Nanee nanee boo-boo! I’ve got the right to screw you!”

    • Todd says:

      Urbaniak’s most apt description of Bush is “The Dauphin.”

      • yezra says:

        Nice. Peter Pan on Wall Street works too, now. (it used to be “Peter Pan does Iraq”.)

        BTW, the John Locke thing up there was probably a reference to your triptych image being similar in style to this one. Apparently John Locke is some sort of blender between two things? Though I can’t be sure – I’ve seen far too much of Bush but I haven’t seen one single ep of Lost.

        • Todd says:

          Thanks for the “Furries Lock” link — that was a joke too obscure for me, so obscure that I still don’t get it after having it explained to me twice.

          It looks more like Locke is some kind of fucked-up filter, where you put in a “real fox” on one end, filter it through John Locke, and it comes out a Furry. In my fox-and-hens metaphor, a hen would enter the John Locke/Bush filter and come out the other side a steaming pile of chickenshit.

          • yezra says:

            …so obscure that I still don’t get it.

            Don’t ask me, dear. All I got was the triptych part. 🙂

            a steaming pile of chickenshit

            Hey! Offer this up to the IRS before they take credit for your acronym. That’s what they should call the new ‘Give Generously to Wallstreet Deduction’ in our paychecks. We’ll all be seeing this soon:

            401k Loan 1
            401k Loan 2
            401k Loan 3
            Federal Medicare Tax
            Federal SPoCS Tax
            Federal Social Security Tax
            Federal Supplemental Income Tax

            See how I grouped that? Right between the two things that mean the difference between my mom living on the street, or having a roof over her head and regular doctor visits. That’s sos I’ll think they’re CONNECTED and I won’t COMPLAIN.

  11. benmech says:




    May I copy/paste?