"This is an emergency, there is a clear and present threat to our nation, everything could blow apart into a million pieces tomorrow, we must act now now now or there will be hell to pay, there is no time to bicker and argue about details like ‘who’s responsible for this’ or ‘how are we going to pay for this,’ the federal government must be immediately granted sweeping new supreme powers without oversight, and anyone who disagrees with me or questions me or seeks to modify my decisions is a traitor, and I know best because I am the president."
Hmmmm…where have I heard this before?
Oh yeah, now I remember. Yeah, it’s all coming back to me now.
Amazingly — amazingly — Bush seems to be doing it again. A president with less credibility than a turnip, the man responsible (along with anti-regulator John McCain, of course) for this entire mess, is now telling us that we’re in the midst of a crisis and only he knows how to solve it and we have no option but to agree with him or else we’re destroying the country. The amazing part is that Washington isn’t just laughing in his face and looking for someone actually qualified to handle the situation, they’re actually taking his proposal seriously and worried about their political future if they don’t unquestioningly obey our Dear Leader.
As Atrios puts it, "Any member of Congress who looks at the plan to give Hank unchecked power to transfer $700 billion from the Treasury to his friends’ companies and has any reaction other than ‘You’ve got to be fucking kidding me’ does not deserve to hold office."
His proposal, as far I can tell, is: it is not enough that the middle class pay for the highest deficit in our history and a three-trillion dollar war nobody wanted, it must now also help keep the ultra-wealthy Wall Street crowd from losing its yachts. This is, I hope (but can by no means be sure) the final insult to the American people by not just the worst president in history, but one of the worst Americans (which, as The Stranger in The Big Lebowski would put it, "which would put him high in the runnin’ for worst world-wide") in history.
In happier news —
Jack White and Alicia Keyes have recorded the under-the-titles song for the new James Bond movie, and you can here it here. It crunches. Duran Duran are running for the hills, a-ha hang their heads in shame and even Shirley Bassey is checking over her shoulder as this Bond-a-riffic juggernaut comes trundling down the pike.
Bush’s speech, translated
This is a pivotal moment for America’s economy.
SOMEBODY TOLD ME I HAD TO GET UP AND SAY SOMETHING. SO HERE I AM.
Problems that originated in the credit markets — and first showed up in the area of subprime mortgages —
PROBLEMS THAT ORIGINATED IN MY OWN ECONOMIC POLICIES, AND IN LEGISLATION DEVISED BY PHIL GRAMM, JOHN McCAIN’S ECONOMIC ADVISER —
— have spread throughout our financial system.
THE BILL FOR EIGHT YEARS OF FEEDING AT THE TROUGH HAS COME DUE A LITTLE SOONER THAN I HAD HOPED IT WOULD. MY SOLUTION IS TO RE-FILL THE TROUGH WITH A TRILLION DOLLARS OF TAXPAYER’S MONEY — OH, NOT WEALTHY TAXPAYERS’ MONEY, THAT WOULD BE SOCIALISM.
This has led to an erosion of confidence that has frozen many financial transactions, including loans to consumers and to businesses seeking to expand and create jobs.
NOBODY COULD HAVE PREDICTED THAT RATS WOULD FLEE A SINKING SHIP.
As a result, we must act now to protect our nation’s economic health from serious risk.
AS A RESULT, WE MUST ACT NOW TO PROTECT REPUBLICANS’ CHANCES OF RE-ELECTION IN NOVEMBER, OTHERWISE I MIGHT BE CHARGED WITH WAR CRIMES, AND I DON’T WANT THAT TO HAPPEN.
There will be ample opportunity to debate the origins of this problem.
ANYBODY WHO TRIES TO PIN THIS ON ME WILL BE SMEARED AS A TRAITOR.
Now is the time to solve it.
NOW IS THE TIME TO PUT A BANDAID ON IT AND HOPE THAT KEEPS PEOPLE HAPPY UNTIL THE SECOND WEEK OF NOVEMBER.
In our nation’s history, there have been moments that require us to come together across party lines to address major challenges. This is such a moment.
BEND OVER.
_________________________
It goes on, but you get the idea.
Monsters! Creature from the Black Lagoon
WHAT DOES THE PROTAGONIST WANT? David Reed is an ichthyologist with a hot tip: the skeleton arm of a heretofore unknown creature from the Devonian age has been unearthed somewhere near the Amazon River. Investigation of the find leads him to the legendary Black Lagoon, where, it turns out, the selfsame Devonian creature stilllives. Reed wants to study the creature in its natural environment. He is opposed in this pursuit by fellow scientist Mark Williams, who wants to kill it, haul it back to America and make big bucks. David is either compromised in his pursuit by the presence of winsome Kay Lawrence or encouraged by it, depending on his mood.
WHO IS THE MONSTER? The titular Creature opposes David in his pursuit in the strongest possible terms. On the other hand, it also seems to have the hots for Kay, which compromises its position. In this way, the creature is a dark reflection of David.
WHAT IS THE WARNING? Creatures from the Devonian age are better left in the Devonian age, and we would do well to leave them alone. Take heed, world! On a subtextual level, the warning seems to have more to do with mixing business and pleasure, more on which to come.
The rain on McCain
Another day, another moment of idiocy from the McCain campaign. It seems that McCain either doesn’t know where Spain is, or else doesn’t know who the Spanish prime minister is, or both. While being interviewed by a Spanish journalist, who clearly identified herself as Spanish, as in Spain, the country in Europe, several times, McCain kept responding to her as though she was talking about Latin America, and suggested repeatedly that the Spanish prime minister must be considered an enemy to the US unless and until he proves himself otherwise.
More here and here, with the audio here, for the benefit of my Spanish-speaking readers. Hola!
UPDATE: here is the interview in its original English.
Monsters! The Wolf Man
WHAT DOES THE PROTAGONIST WANT? Larry Talbot has come home to his ancestral manse in England after 18 years in the US. Like David Kessler in American Werewolf, much in England seems foreign, backward and mysterious to Talbot. When he finds himself turning into a werewolf, his only goal is to know: is this really happening to him or is it all in his mind? He doesn’t even get as far as wanting to find a cure for his affliction — he just wants to understand the source.
WHO IS THE MONSTER? Talbot goes on murderous rampages when he is transformed into the wolf-man, but in his daylight life he’s as gentle and guileless as Lennie from Of Mice and Men. Is he responsible for the murders he commits, or is the wolf-man some other personality altogether?
WHAT IS THE WARNING? The script clearly states that lycanthropy is a metaphor for the dual nature of all men, but a modern perspective suggests a more complex, nuanced message.
This just in
Wow, who wrote that, Karl Marx? Sean Penn? Keith Olberman?
No, it’s Wick Allison, ex-publisher of the National Review. You may read the rest of his endorsement of Obama here. If there were more conservative voices like this I might actually have some respect for them.
Today’s economic lesson
So remember kids:
Federal government spending a single dime on infrastructure, health care, national parks, wildlife protection, arts or education: EVIL SOCIALISM!
Federal government spending $85 billion to purchase badly-mismanaged insurance company: AWESOME REPUBLICAN PHILOSOPHY FTW!
Monsters! Wolfen
WHAT DOES THE PROTAGONIST WANT? Detective Dewey Wilson is charged with solving the bizarre, mysterious murder of Big Deal Guy Christopher Van DerVeer. Was it a political assassination? Was it terrorists? Was it angry Native Americans? Or was it — evil?
WHO ARE THE MONSTERS? You’d never guess it from the title, but it turns out the monsters are wolves. Or is it Americans who are the monsters?
WHAT IS THE WARNING? Wolves, Wolfen informs us, help out American cities by devouring their sick and providing a check on gentrification. We must not destroy rotting slums and build new apartment blocks — it will anger the wolves.