Space Chimps, by guest reviewer John McCain

My friends, greetings. First off, I’d like to thank

  for giving me an opportunity to address a forum that’s generally overlooked on the campaign circuit, and for giving me a break from discussing the issues of the day. Campaigning is a tiring exercise and I, like a lot of Americans in the summertime, like nothing better to escape into the world of the movies. For the five and a half years I was held prisoner and tortured by the Vietnamese, I didn’t get a chance to see any movies at all.

I liked Space Chimps a lot, and as you know I don’t like talking about my experiences as a POW. In the movie, the lovable chimp Ham gets sent with his pals Luna and Titan to a harsh, inhospitable alien world. I could relate, my friends, because I spent five and a half years in a harsh, inhospitable world myself, undergoing tortures that I dislike talking about these days, but which have left me unable to lift my arms above my shoulders. Ham and his pals never have that problem, even though they spend a lot of time in a space capsule not much bigger than the cell I was kept in for five and a half long years. I wish I had had the easy humor and high spirits of those chimps during those years, where I spent the time reflecting on the death of Christ and memorizing the starting lineups of my favorite football team, which changes depending on who I’m talking to these stats

Ham gets into big trouble with an alien race in Space Chimps, just as a lot of people are in big trouble today with failing mortgages and high gas prices. But Ham’s troubles, and America’s, are nothing compared to the five and a half years of torture I underwent as a POW in the infamous “Hanoi Hilton,” days I’m extremely reluctant to discuss. In the movie, Ham and his pals must face down the evil overlord Zartog, just as we Americans must face down the evils of international terrorism, wherever they may be, just as I had to face the evils of communism in the form of my Vietnamese captors, some of whom were homosexuals, although never towards me.

Ham gets out of his situation on the alien planet through cleverness and determination; I didn’t have that choice as a prisoner of war, I had to wait five long years until I was rescued.  I don’t like to keep bringing this up, but there are people today who seem to think that being tortured for five and a half years isn’t such a big deal, there are people who think that me leaving my wife, while she’s hospitalized, to go marry an heiress, or that me having over $100 million, or that me having more houses than I can keep track of is somehow a bad thing.
There are even some who say that since the tortures inflicted on me are the same as the tortures our government is inflicting upon our detainees at Guantanamo, and since I’ve said that our detainees at Guantanamo aren’t being tortured, that I wasn’t actually tortured for five and a half years by the Vietnamese in the infamous Hanoi Hilton. Some point to stories I’ve told about being captive, about how some of them seem to be stolen from other sources, about how I’ve “changed” them to suit different audiences over the years, about how I remember things about my time as a POW that didn’t happen until years later. Well my friends, let’s lock you up and torture you for five and a half years and see how you hold up.

Ham leads his pals to freedom and victory, just as I will lead this nation to freedom and victory, even though I suffered terribly for five and a half years as a POW in the infamous Hanoi Hilton. My opponent may look more like a chimp than I do, and he may have a scary middle name and he may, like Ham, have the gift of gab, but he does not have the experience I do, and he certainly was not tortured for five and a half long years at the infamous Hanoi Hilton, and I want you to remember that when you go to the polls in November. How dare my opponent question my integrity, my great wealth, my hypocrisy and my unwavering support for the worst president in American history? He was not tortured as a prisoner of war, he has no right to say anything about anything.

In conclusion, my friends, Space Chimps is the kind of movie we can believe in, and I should know, because I was a prisoner of war who was tortured for five and a half long years by the Vietnamese in the infamous Hanoi Hilton, and I’m extremely reluctant to talk about that.


14 Responses to “Space Chimps, by guest reviewer John McCain”
  1. johnnycrulez says:

    I really hope that McCain actually does watch movies just to parallel them to his life.

    And if so, I hope he’s seen Stalag 17.

  2. sonicanimus says:

    I heard a guy reached over and made the shape of a cross in his box of popcorn.

  3. stormwyvern says:

    If anyone was curious, the number of homes McCain and his wife own is apparently at least seven. It’s understandable that you’d start to loose track after five or so.

  4. popebuck1 says:

    I love how he stole the “cross in the dirt” story from Solzhenitsyn.

    But he’s got an even better one, about this time he dreamt he was walking on the beach with Jesus, and he noticed all these footprints in the sand…

  5. curt_holman says:

    “which have left me unable to lift my arms above my shoulders. “

    I would love it if someone caught McCain on tape doing the “raise the roof” gesture at a club.

    Have you seen the articles questioning the origins of the “cross in the dirt” story? They point out that, for such a central part of his current campaign, it’s hard to find him telling the story in his early POW narratives.

  6. schwa242 says:


    Being imprisoned and tortured for several years requires a special kind of patience to endure. One has to bide their time, knowing that the only break in the monotony will be physical, mental, and emotional abuse, and the occasional meager unfulfilling meal that barely keeps one alive. But this situation can hone a person’s patience into a fine weapon. Patience that can last decades. Patience that can allow someone to climb the political ladder, even when it seems that his own party is out to get him. Patience to bide one’s time and wait to strike. Which leads me to my theory. If McCain is elected, his first official act as president will be to bomb the shit out of Vietnam.

    • Todd says:

      Re: 1/20/09

      “Being imprisoned and tortured for several years requires a special kind of patience to endure.”

      Space Chimps is like that too.

  7. teamwak says:


    I’ve really gone of McCain recently, and am finding Obama to be calm and measured in his responses. McCain seems to be repeating the Bush party line about winning in Iraq. I will have fingers, toes, and eyes crossed for Obama……..

  8. robjmiller says:


    Yeah, the McCain camp is really overusing the POW thing. I love the latest ones about how a POW would never cheat in a Q&A session, or how a POW can be excused for not knowing how many houses he owns (although this has been pretty overblown, I’m sure a lot of people with numerous real-estate investments don’t know the number off the top of their head).

    But when you think about it logically, their reasoning in these responses is that a POW, really any POW, would make a better president than pretty much anyone else. And because becoming a POW was really just a matter of chance for soldiers in combat missions in Vietnam, then really it means that any soldier is more fit for president than pretty much anyone else. However, I would contend that an expert in Constitutional law would likely make a better president than a half-senile, PTSD suffering, ex-crappy pilot that barely made it through school. But that’s just me.

  9. emeraldsedai says:

    If I were the Democrats, every single time McCain mentions his POW experience, I’d be sure to get in a mention of his vote voted in favor of torture.

    I don’t get why that’s not happening.

  10. If I haven’t told you lately: I fucking love you.