Okay, God, let’s have it out. You and me.

I gotta say, you’ve done some pretty weird shit in your life, but there are limits, okay? Katrina, I can’t figure that one out — what was the point of that? And then the Southern California wildfires. And the tsunami. And the droughts.

I get it, I get it — you work in mysterious ways. I’ve been paying attention, I get it.

But, please, give me a clue. Help me understand. Why on Earth, in the course of five billion years of our planet’s existence, would you possibly need to take Karlheinz Stockhausen, Ike Turner and — gasp — Dan Fogelberg all in the same week?

Let me try to parse this latest act of bizarreness. You’re up in Heaven, and you say “Hey, you know what we need up here? Some dense, impenetrable German avant-garde music!” So you call Karlheinz and he shows up and you hear the kind of stuff he does and you say “Okay, okay, it’s good, but you know what it needs? It needs a beat, you can’t dance to this stuff, who really knows how to turn a beat down there?” And so you grab Ike Turner and you put these two sounds together. It sounds like it would be super-ugly to me, but what do I know, maybe the clash of high German weirdness and deep American grooves sounded great, but the only thing I can think is that it sounded a little, you know, heavy, what with the postwar anomie and the wife-beating and all that.

That’s the only justification I can see for adding wimpy folk-rocker Dan Freaking Fogelberg to the mix. Have you even heard this guy before? Can you even begin to imagine the world of pain your ears are in for, trying to weld together Stockhausen, Turner and Fogelberg?

And who’s going to be next? Christ, who’s going to have to show up to this jam session to meld together all these sounds? Bassist from Ratt? Yma Sumac? Ornette Coleman?

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4 Responses to “Okay, God, let’s have it out. You and me.”
  1. mike_baehr says:

    Of course, it was all inspired by Kevin Dubrow from Quiet Riot telling you to “Cum on Feel the Noize.”

  2. greyaenigma says:

    Oh, that’s creepy. I was talking about Dan Fogelberg just a couple of days ago.

  3. Anonymous says:

    I can hear their first hit single.

    Actually, if I were to find myself in heaven, the first thing I’d want to do is catch a performance by Stockhausen, Turner and Fogelberg.