Birched Fig Suits


  posted this photo of this weird bumper sticker yesterday, and I admit I’ve probably been thinking about it more than I should. On the one hand, I think our political discourse should brim with healthy debate, on the other hand I can’t honestly say I consider this “healthy.” Like Urbaniak, I’m guessing that the author of the sticker has some serious issues, I mean besides his or her poor grammar, spelling and punctuation.

In any case, I’ve decided I’m going to take this bumper sticker and run with it until it becomes the next “All Your Base Are Belong To Us” or “I’m In Your _____ _____ing your _____.”

Looking at the weird spelling of “daughter,” it occurred to me that perhaps the author of the sticker is not just a bad speller but is actually dyslexic. So, playing around with the word order, I thought perhaps the message might read “YOU! TELL US (FRIGID BITCHES) WHAT ELSE MUST [Y]OUR DAUGHTER HILLARY MUST DO TO BECOME PRESIDENT?” The author being a member of “Frigid Bitches,” a sub-group of the Skinny Bitch movement — in addition to eating more healthfully, the Frigid Bitches I imagine also abstain from sex. If we remove the “y” from “your” (keeping in mind the author’s dyslexia) turns the message into a humorous feminist message of empowerment.

Then it occurred to me that perhaps the misspelling of “daughter” is deliberate, and is meant as a signal, that perhaps the entire sticker is actually an anagram, in a bit of political intrigue designed to be appreciated by fans of The Da Vinci Code. I whisked myself off to The Internet Anagram Server and typed in “TELL US YOU FRIGID BITCHES”.

Instantly a very different message emerges: top of the list, “HERBICIDE FLOUTS GUSTILY.” I’m not sure what the word “gustily” means, but clearly this is a message in favor of organic farming, an important issue in Santa Monica. Or perhaps it’s “DECIBEL FUSSILY OUTRIGHT”, the beginning of a message about noise pollution, another important Santa Monica issue.

“YOUR DAUGHTER HILLARY”, on the other hand, yields over 50,000 possibilities, my favorite being “A HARDER YOGURT UH LILY”. So we have “HERBICIDES GUSTILY FLOUT A HARDER YOGURT.”

“TO BECOME PRESIDENT”, on the other hand, yields almost 60,000 possible combinations, the most direct probably being “BISECTED EMOTE PORN.” Put together with the first two, gives us “HERBICIDES, GUSTILY BISECTED, EMOTE, FLOUT A HARDER YOGURT PORN.”

What else? Well, “what else” indeed? “WHAT ELSE” yields 142 possibilities, the most likely being “HATE SLEW” or “AW, SHE LET” or maybe “LAW SHEET.”

Which gives us “AW, SHE LET HERBICIDES, GUSTILY BISECTED, FLOUT, EMOTE A HARDER YOGURT PORN.” Which doesn’t make that much sense, but it’s still more direct than the original hit counter script


9 Responses to “Birched Fig Suits”
  1. gdh says:

    I still think TELL US (YOU FRIGID BITCHES)! sounds like the a name of a pretentious indie post-rock musical collective in the vein of Godspeed You! Black Emperor.

  2. greyaenigma says:

    Now I’m tempted to get a bumper sticker of “HERBICIDES GUSTILY FLOUT A HARDER YOGURT”.

  3. r_sikoryak says:

    That’s better!

    Now will someone please translate it into Spanish, then back again?

  4. catwalk says:

    scribe hid gift!
    fib (direct sigh)

    it does impress me a bit that this single statement evokes a need to understand. “your daughter” reminds me of family discussions kicked off with “guess what your son did at school today.” the bumper sticker could almost read “my daughter has done enough to be president; what more does your daughter have to do to impress you?”

  5. popebuck1 says:

    I think the whole bumper sticker just represents the inchoate, sputtering rage to which Hillary Clinton has (inexplicably) reduced various Republican men over the past 20 years. They revert to some kind of primordial lizard-rage and lose all their powers of reason and speech.

    I can’t explain it, I just find it fascinating.

  6. Anonymous says:

    It seems to me that it’s from a Clinton supporter exhorting other women to vote for her out of sheer loyalty to the double XX genes.

  7. Anonymous says:

    Birched Fig Suits

    Well, you’re in southern California now. That should explain it all.

  8. Anonymous says:

    That’s been my experience.