Another long, awkward elevator ride
INT. ELEVATOR — NIGHT
Ingmar Bergman and Michaelangelo Antonioni ride in (what else) silence.
IB. Mm.
MA. You with the whole “is there a God” thing, me with the whole “existential angst” thing —
IB. Mm.
MA. And here we are.
IB. Here we are.
Silence.
MA. What was it finally did it to you?
IB. Mm?
MA. ‘Cos we both got up there, man, you know? 80s, 90s, I mean, that’s a load of years for a couple of guys who made such a big deal out of how miserable life is.
IB. Mm.
MA. Me? That Chuck and Larry movie. I saw that, I just said “forget it, I’ve had enough, I’m out of here.” Billy Madison was cute, but I drew the line on Sandler with The Waterboy. What about you?
IB. Me, oh, you know me. The weight of a Godless world, the the suffocating oppression of memory, the haunting terrors of family.
MA. I gotcha, sure.
IB. And Transformers.
MA. Ooh, yeah, that one hurt.
IB. I’m like, “what, I expanded the vocabulary of cinema to explore the most important, penetrating questions of the human condition so that monster robots could fight each other?” Give me a break.
MA. I totally get you.
Silence.
IB. By the way, I’ve always wanted to tell you —
MA. Yes?
IB. I hated Zabriskie Point.
MA. Oh yeah? Well I hated The Serpent’s Egg.
IB. You —
Silence.
IB. Ah, the hell with it.
Silence.
MA. Jesus, this is one long elevator ride, isn’t it?
IB. You ain’t kidding.
MA. Did you, when you got on, did you happen to notice which way it was heading?
IB. Well, I assumed —
Pause. They look at each other.
The elevator dings. The doors slide open. Bergman and Antonioni go to step out, but TOM SNYDER steps in.
TS. Hey, Ingmar Bergman! Michaelangelo Antonioni! Good to see you!
He slaps them on the back. They look distinctly uncomfortable.
TS. Boy, this death thing, this is wild, isn’t it? I tell you, I wasn’t ready for this one. Reminds me of the time I was taking a train to Bridgeport once, I was in the station, and you know how they’ve got those newsstands, right? Where they sell all the newspapers and candy and whatnot. And there’s a shoe-shine guy next to the newsstand, right? And I’ve always wondered about the shoe-shine guy. You know? Who is this guy? Is this what he wanted to do with his life? “Shoe-shine guy?” Has he reached the pinnacle of his career? “I am a shoe-shine guy?” And he’s got this hat, it’s kind of like a conductor’s cap, almost like maybe a conductor gave it to him, like you know, maybe this guy’s a little “simple,” you know, and one of the train conductors took pity on him and gave him a hat, you know, to cheer him up, make him feel like he’s part of the team. Anyway, so I’m there in the train station and this skycap goes by, huge stack of luggage on one of those rolling things, what are those things called, dollies? Not dollies, but like a dolly, with the handle, you know? And I’ve always wondered, who decides whether the cart gets a handle or not? And —
Bergman and Antonioni wither as Snyder chats on and on. Fade out.
Other people, man.
I know what Sartre meant, but in this case I think we would say certain other people.
“”what, I expanded the vocabulary of cinema to explore the most important, penetrating questions of the human condition so that monster robots could fight each other?”
I like to think this world is big enough for Fanny and Alexander AND monster robots fighting each other.
That is amazing – you should make a short film of that…you can bring Dan Aykroyd in as Snyder.
I can’t help but picture Tom Snyder as portrayed by Dan Ackroyd.
“Me? That Chuck and Larry movie. I saw that, I just said “forget it, I’ve had enough, I’m out of here.”
*snerk* Yeah, that’s pretty much the nadir of human artistic expression, isn’t it? Right down there with big-eyed kid paintings, capri pants and that song about being Henry the 8th I am I am . . .
Well, I’ll have to check again, but I’m pretty sure Antonioni made pretty good use of capri pants in at least one of his movies.
Get back to me on that one. I have never seen a single human being who looks decent in those things. The man better be going upward if he managed to shoot them effectively.
Never?
LOL I can honestly say the sight of Mary Tyler Moore in capri pants does nothing for me. No, the look is unflattering, it makes the ass look too big and ankles, whether bony or puffy, are not terribly attractive.
LOL I can honestly say the sight of Mary Tyler Moore in capri pants does nothing for me.
You are a heretic and must be expunged.
CU
I’ll just say that no woman in any kind of garment does anything for me, and leave it there.
-end blogjack-
I always wondered why the plastic skullcap look didn’t take off. Between Ming the Merciless in Flash Gordon and Merlin the Magician in Excalibur, it was clearly the mark of the most interesting character in the vicinity.
I can just see Bergman running into Von Sydow at some point in the early 80s. “Hey, Ingmar, remember me? I used to be in all your movies! When you gonna write another part for me?” “Sorry Ming, I don’t write parts for guys in plastic skullcaps. Try Woody Allen.”
Would this have been before or after his role as the evil Brewmeister Smith in the Bob & Doug McKenzie vehicle Strange Brew?
Oh dear oh dear. If the sight of Mary Tyler Moore in capri pants does nothing for you, then we are perhaps too far apart to continue this conversation. Mary Tyler Moore in capri pants was probably second only to Barbara Eden in her genie get-up in terms of adolescent fantasy material for me.
Now I’m old.
And then there’s this:
I was thinking the same thing! Laura Petrie rules!
Best Bergman-Antonioni-Snyder joke, ever.
I gave this entry a shout-out in my latest review:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20043201/
Much obliged — is a link within the review out of the question? I would enjoy for people to see the joke in its original context.
Not sure if they’re down for that, but I’ll ask.
You now have linkage.
I am your biggest fan.