A Cricpmist Story

My son Sam (6) has a gesture that’s difficult to describe. It’s a head-shake, a guffaw and an eye-roll that indicate “okay Dad, whatever you say.” He uses it when I’ve spoken something that sounds completely outlandish to him, but he can’t figure out why I’ve told him such a fish story. For the sake of moving forward, I’m going to call this gesture The Sheesh.

For instance, this gem from the other day:

DAD: Today is the Winter Solstice, it’s the shortest day of the year, and the longest night. Did you notice how early the sun went down today? It’s because it’s the Winter Solstice. Today the sun went down earlier than yesterday, by just a couple of minutes, and tomorrow it will go down a little later, by just a couple of minutes. And those minutes will build up and up until we get to the Summer Solstice, which is the day that has the most daytime and the least night-time.

SAM: Is there a Spring Solstice?

DAD: No, but there’s a Vernal Equinox and an Autumn Equinox, and those are the two days in the year when the daytime and the nighttime are exactly the same length.

SAM: (The Sheesh)


(Sam brings home a document he’s written at school. Dad reads it. It contains the word “CRICPMIST.”)

DAD: What’s this word?

SAM: Christmas!

DAD: Ah. And the second “c,” that’s like a French “c,” I get it.

SAM: Right, and there’s a “p” in it. Like a “crisp mist.”

DAD: Right. Right. I like it. Like a crisp mist, that’s great.

SAM: Isn’t that how you spell it?

DAD: Er, well let’s work through this for a second. (pause) Has anyone ever told you about the story of Jesus?

(Sam looks confused)

DAD: Okay, that’s fine. Here’s the deal: about 2000 years ago, this baby was born, named Jesus. And the idea was that this Jesus kid was the Only Son of God. And this Only Son of God thing, people called it “The Christ.”

(Dad writes down the word “Christ” on the back of an envelope)

DAD: And later, churches, you know when people go to church and they pray and sing songs and stuff, that’s called a “mass.”

(Dad writes down the word “mass” next to the word “Christ.”)

DAD: So people who thought that this Jesus kid was the Only Son of God, they would have a special celebration on this day called “Christ Mass,” and eventually that just got shortened to “Christmas.”  I’ll tell you though, I would feel a whole heck of a lot better celebrating a crisp mist than I would celebrating the birth of the Only Son of God.  That sounds like my idea of a real holiday.

SAM: So, seriously, what does God look like?

DAD: What does God look like? Well dude, I’ve heard a lot of different ideas about what God looks like, and I honestly haven’t heard any better ideas than “God looks like Mace Windu.”

SAM: Yeah, but really, what does he really look like.

DAD: Well dude, nobody knows what God looks like. The important thing you have to know is that no matter what anybody says, nobody anywhere has any idea what God looks like. If someone says they know, they’re lying to you. Now then, since the idea is that God created the entire universe, one could say that God looks like everything, and maybe looks like nothing.

SAM: But what does that mean “God looks like everything?” You mean God looks like a plug, and a pen, and a radiator?

DAD: That’s exactly what it means,dude, it means that God looks like a plug and a pen and a radiator. But don’t forget, you’re leaving out a lot of stuff, like trees and the sky and the ocean and fish and stuff. In fact, there’s a story in the Bible where God shows himself to a guy, and you know what he looks like?

SAM: What.

DAD: A bush.

SAM: (laughing out loud) “A bush!”

DAD: It’s true!

SAM: So, like, I could tell a story about God talking to me and God could look like a lamp.

DAD: You could absolutely tell a story about God talking to you and God could look like a lamp.

SAM: (does The Sheesh.)


In any case, Merry Cricpmist from What Does The Protagonist Want.

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7 Responses to “A Cricpmist Story”
  1. actionchrist says:

    Have you and/or he pitched this Lamp of God idea to the studios?

  2. gorillafilm says:

    when i was a child, i thought that God looked like the disembodied head of Abe Lincoln. i was raised Catholic, so i’m not sure where i got this..

  3. eronanke says:

    I was taught that the people who looked directly at God went mad and died (something the Nazis did not seem to understand in Indiana Jones…), so I never bothered to picture him.

    I did however think that if he were to talk to me, he should do it in Cary Grant’s voice, because that’s the one I would harken to most.

  4. Anonymous says:

    Man, your kid is, like, amazing! Seriously, that think tank in Santa Monica…
    He deserves lots of Action Figures today. So do you.
    Have a great holiday, Todd.