The Great Debates

ANNOUNCER.
    Candidate number one, your opening statement.

C1.
    Apples are better than oranges.

A.
    Candidate number two, your opening statement.

C2.
    Oranges are better than apples.

A.
    Candidate number one, your rebuttal.

C1.
    Apples are American.  We put them in pies.  And we call it Apple Pie.  As in Mom and Apple Pie.  We do not put oranges in pies.  There is no  such thing as Orange Pie.  No one will ever say “Mom and Orange Pie”.  Or even “Mom and Oranges”.  No one will ever mention oranges in the context of America.  No one will ever say “It’s as American as fresh squeezed orange juice.”  Apples are better than oranges.

A.
    Candidate number two, your rebuttal.

C2.
     Apples, as candidate number one knows all too well, are covered with a red or green skin which can cut into the gums when one happens to bite into an apple.  This hurts.  It hurts me, and it hurts you, and it hurts America.  Oranges come safely wrapped in an Orange Peel, which one removes easily and then one can eat the orange in individual sections.  Or one could give half of the segments to charity.  No one would ever give half an apple to charity.  Only an orange.  Only an orange represents the democratic ideal.

A.
    Candidate number one?

C1.
     I would like to ask candidate number two a question: have you ever peeled an orange when you have a hangnail?  Hm?  Hurts, don’t it.  Hurts.  Hurts like the Dickens.  Why?  Because, as candidate number two knows all too well, Oranges are Filled With Acid.  It says so right on the label.  And yet some Americans, I won’t name them, give them to their children.  To eat at lunch.  They feed their children GLASSES OF ACID for breakfast.  This is not American.  Nowhere in the constitution does it say “Oh yeah, and go ahead and feed ACID TO YOUR CHILDREN.

A.
     Candidate number two?

C2.
     I promised the American people that I would never stoop to negative campaigning.  And yet candidate number one leaves me no choice.  It is a known fact that apples cause cancer.  It is also a known fact that apples have shady financial histories and ties to organized crime.  It is also a known fact that apples were brought here by creatures from another planet for the purposes of enslaving the human race.  I am not going to address these points.  I am simply going to hold up this piece of paper.  This piece of paper shows Candidate number one engaging in kiddie porn while eating an apple.

A.
   Candidate number one?

C1.
   Well.  I am embarrassed.  Yes I eat apples.  Yes I have had sex with children on videotape for money while eating an apple.  Does the American public care about that?  I say that they don’t.  And let me just say one thing: Apples come in two colors, “Apple Red” and “Apple Green”.  Oranges come in only one color: orange.  How’s that for simplemindedness?  “What is it?”  “An orange.”  “What color is it?”  “Orange.”  My fellow Americans, God made the little green apples, just as he made the space creatures who brought them to us.  God did not make oranges and candidate number two knows it.

A.
    Candidate number two, your closing statement.

C2.
     I believe in the United States of America.  And you can call it hope, or faith, or blind devotion, or paranoid schizophrenia, but when my voices tell me to eat an orange, I do it.  I do it.  I don’t “doubt” them.  I don’t “question” them.  And you should not question me.  You should merely vote for me and then do my bidding.  And that is what America is to me.

A.
    Candidate number one, your closing statement.

C1.
     Let me just say this: I am so incredibly high right now.

A.
     Thank you candidate number one and candidate number two.  Please join us next time on “The Great Debates”.
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Comments

9 Responses to “The Great Debates”
  1. greyaenigma says:

    This is why we should support the Plut Party.

  2. mcbrennan says:

    So many responses come to mind.

    a) BERNARD SHAW: Governor, if Kitty Dukakis were raped and murdered by a Tangelo, would you favor an irrevocable frappe-ing for the killer?”
    b) Don’t blame me, I voted for kumquats!
    c) Something about a fruit fly. I’ll fix it in the rewrite.

    and most importantly,
    d) A very funny post that’s both incisive and insightful. Well done as always.

  3. leborcham says:

    If only they had hired you to write the “funny” parts of STUDIO 60 maybe that show wouldn’t be down the crapper now.

  4. urbaniak says:

    A classic. Might we expect the ad men sketch next?

  5. ghostgecko says:

    Heh. “And you can call it hope, or faith, or blind devotion, or paranoid schizophrenia, but when my voices tell me to eat an orange, I do it. I do it. I don’t “doubt” them. “
    Gorgeous. I laughed so hard I think I went a bti crosseyed.

    You ought to write for fanaticalapathy.com

  6. monica_black says:

    This why I never watch debates. Excellently captured though.

  7. marztek says:

    so clever

    that was too perfect.

  8. yetra says:

    Ah, that was indeed a delight.