The Happy Ending Shakespeare Company, Volume 2
KING LEAR
by William Shakespeare
(The throne room. LEAR and his daughter CORDELIA.)
LEAR. Do you love me, Cordelia?
CORDELIA. Of course I do father, don’t be silly.
LEAR. I just wanted to hear you say it.
(They embrace.)
Curtain.
Now that’s what I’ve been saying from the beginning. Damn this play frustrates me!
The Brick Theatre in Williamsburg recently performed King Lear with a happy ending that was substituted for Shakespeare’s in performance for a couple of centuries (everyone lives, everyone gets married, etc.) as part of their $ellout Festival.
Best of all, they kept it a secret, so you didn’t know it was coming.
The audience seemed to divide into three parts once Cordelia suddenly came back to life — those who realized what they were doing and cracked up, those who knew “this wasn’t Shakespeare” and were peeved, and those who didn’t know the play, who were just confused at the change in tone and the reactions around them.
Oh damn, they performed the Tate?
That is SO cool!
I wish I’d known and could attend…
Is that the one where the high school kids talk like Raymond Chandler characters? ‘Cause that would put a whole different spin on Shakespeare.
The Merchant of Venice
A Street in Venice. Enter Bassiano and Antonio, seperately.
BASSIANO: Hey Antonio, why the sad face?ANTONIO: Oh, I just lost my shirt on a huge investment (under his breath) and I’m totally gay for you.
BASSIANO: What was that? Never mind, I came to tell you about this hot chick named Portia. Can I borrow some money to impress her with?
Enter Shylock.
ANTONIO: Well, I’m tapped out but let me see if I can do. (To Shylock) Hey, old Jewish guy! Can I borrow some money?
SHYLOCK: I’ll lend you 3000 ducats you goy bastard but if you default on the loan it’ll cost you a pound of your flesh. Literally.
ANTONIO: You know what, I don’t like your terms. Sorry Bassiano, the deal’s off.
Exit Shylock
BASSIANO: Oh well, you tried. You’re a good friend.
ANTONIO: I’ve always loved you.
BASSIANO: Seriously?
ANTONIO: Yeah, but I was always too scared to tell you. Why do you think I’ve been so depressed?
BASSIANO: I’m willing to try anything once. Let’s go back to your place.
ANTONIO: Ok!
Exeunt, holding hands.
Damn, you stole my plot for Volume 3.
Steal it back and make it better. That’s what Willy would have done.
THE MERCHANT OF VENICE
by William Shakespeare
(Antonio’s office. Antonio is sad. Bassanio enters.)
BASSANIO. Antonio, I am in love!
ANTONIO. So am I, Bassanio. (beat) So am I.
BASSANIO. I need to borrow three thousand ducats to woo the girl.
ANTONIO. Good luck with that.
BASSANIO. What?
ANTONIO. I’m broke, Bassanio. Broke. All my ships are out. You know this. I have no money. To lend you money I would have to borrow it from a Jew.
BASSANIO. Oh. Well. Awkward pause.
ANTONIO. Awkward pause indeed. Because you know what, Bassanio? I’m through with this shit. This lie. This stupid game we play.
BASSANIO. This —
ANTONIO. Stop it, Bassanio. Just stop it. I love you and you know it. You’ve known it for years. And I might be a weak-willed homosexual but that doesn’t mean I have no self-respect.
BASSANIO. (shocked) I —
ANTONIO. Borrow money, to give to you, so you can go pouncing off to marry some princess, forget it. Fuck you. You’re a parasite.
BASSANIO. Antonio!
ANTONIO. How about if instead of marrying a princess, how about if instead of that, you grow up a little and stop using your charm to get stupid rich folk to bail you out of your sinking boat.
BASSANIO. I — I —
ANTONIO. I hate you, I hate you, you come in here, your stupid hair, your stupid eyes, you stupid little — you — you —
(He embraces Bassanio tearfully, passionately.)
BASSANIO. Oh god, Antonio. Antonio! I’ve been a fool. Kiss me.
(They kiss.)
Curtain.
Nicely done, sir. Nicely done.
hamlet’s father isn’t really dead, everyone gets together and has figgy pudding
DUKE: Benedick, when are you and Beatrice just going to admit you’re in love with each other?
BENEDICK: Are you kidding? We can’t stand each other. It’d never work out – we’d be at each other’s throats in a second.
DUKE: I guess you’re right. Still, the angry sex would be terrific…
BENEDICK: No shit. That’s why we do that part already.
Curtain.
Othello
Iago: Hey, Othello, you’re wife’s totally cheating on you.
Othello: I am trust my wife. She’s a nice lady, and you’re kinda shady.
Iago: DAMNNIT.
curtain
Okay, apparently this is easier than I thought it was. But why does your Othello talk like Borat?
If I was attempting Borat, I would have done it like this:
Othello: She’s a niiiiiice…. I would make sex crime with her!
I was going for more of a Omar Epps feel. Perhaps it gets lost in the text version.
i believe you mean
i make sexy TIME with her
I suppose I’m referencing Da Ali G show more than I am the Borat movie.
i don’t remember ever hearing Borat say that on da ali g show
OH snap- You’re right
It’s from the Conan O’Brien interview.
Julius Caesar
By William Shakespeare
(A public square. A SOOTHSAYER accosts CAESAR.)
CAESAR. You there, with the limp. Would you be so kind as to inform me of who’s tunic I may use to wipe my ass?
SOOTHSAYER. Beware the Ides of March. Your bro Brutus is gonna stab you.
CAESAR. That’s not out of the ordinary.
SOOTHSAYER. With a knife.
CAESAR. Oh well fuck. Are you serious?
SOOTHSAYER. What? Yeah, man, I’m a soothsayer, I don’t fuck around.
CAESAR. But Brutus? Jesus. I’ll have to take care of that.
SOOTHSAYER. You’ll thank me later.
CAESAR. What an asshole.
SOOTHSAYER. Yeah, man.
CAESAR. Speaking of assholes.
(CAESAR wipes his ass with the SOOTHSAYER’s tunic.)
CAESAR. I’m not tipping.
Curtain.
These are fun
Love’s Labours Lost
by William Shakespeare:
King of Navarre: Let’s swear off women!
Berowne: But the Princess of France is coming to visit, and she’s brought enough hotties for us all!
Navarre: Oh, yeah, that’s right. Well, screw that idea!
And one more
Taming of the Shrew
by William Shakespeare:
cleopatra: Oh Anthony, why are you dead?
Anthony: Actually I think I’ll be ok
Cleopatra: Oh, then let’s go live somewhere else and run away.
Anthony: K
Octavius: Meh, let them be, we got this cool egypt.
HAMLET
by William Shakespeare
BERNARDO: Who’s there?
Enter FORTINBRAS.
FORTINBRAS: Go, bid the soldiers shoot.
CURTAIN.
GLOUCESTER
Now is the winter of our discontent
Made glorious summer by this sun of York;
And all the clouds that lour’d upon our house
In the deep bosom of the ocean buried.
Now are our brows bound with victorious wreaths;
Our bruised arms hung up for monuments;
Our stern alarums changed to merry meetings,
Our dreadful marches to delightful measures.
Grim-visaged war hath smooth’d his wrinkled front;
And now, instead of mounting barded steeds
To fright the souls of fearful adversaries,
He capers nimbly in a lady’s chamber
To the lascivious pleasing of a lute.
But I, that am not shaped for sportive tricks,
Nor made to court an amorous looking-glass;
I, that am rudely stamp’d, and want love’s majesty
To strut before a wanton ambling nymph;
I, that am curtail’d of this fair proportion,
Cheated of feature by dissembling nature,
Deformed, unfinish’d, sent before my time
Into this breathing world, scarce half made up,
And that so lamely and unfashionable
That dogs bark at me as I halt by them;
Have been chosen by the producers
Of Extreme Makeover
To be refashioned according to the stamp
Of the common rabble’s fashion sense.
‘Though many may consider this cause mad
To find oneself remade into a clone
Of every pretty face which leers and struts
Across a carpet on fair Oscars’ Night
Yet for my part I find I would
Rather have my twisted back set right.
My twisted mind I find will suffice
To make my fame in reality TV.
In these days I will now overmatch
Dog the Bounty Hunter and Richard Hatch.
Excellent. Alas, iambic pentameter is beyond my writing skills.
I don’t know why you think it is so hard.
It quite well mimics flows of normal speech.
In fact, one can often do quite well
In talking this way off the cuff, like this.
It helps that the way the rules are used
It’s fine to sometimes squeeze or stretch a word.
For me, the only part which takes some time
Is making up the ending couplet-rhyme.
TIMON OF ATHENS
by William Shakespeare
TIMON. I’m really depressed.
VENTIDIUS. Take a Prozac.