Campaign update

Faced with the greatest economic crisis since the Great Depression, one that shows no signs of miraculously getting better, John McCain yesterday nevertheless insisted "the fundamentals of our economy are strong."

(Actually, what he said was "The fundamentals are, of our economy are strong," stammering and gasping through what he knew to be a pathetic, desperate lie: watch the video and you can see the terror in his expression as he uncorks this whopper. He honestly looks like he’s worried that the collective audience is about to laugh him off stage.)free stats

Since McCain knows he cannot possibly win on his record or his policies, his campaign has no choice but to hurl meaningless distractions and lies, commonly known as "bullshit," into the media manure-spreader. To distract voters from his current inarguable position (oh, wait, did you hear? When he said "the fundamentals of our economy" he didn’t mean things like stock trading, housing starts, inflation, food prices, real estate prices or consumer spending — he meant the proud souls of the American workers, and how DARE you suggest that he meant anything else, how DARE you suggest that the souls of the American workers are not stronger than ever!) he know he’ll have to come up with a lie so big, so outrageous, so patently untrue that it cannot help but dominate the news cycle. Let’s see, he already lied about his VP pick being a reformer, and he’s already tried to tar his opponent as a child molester, hmm, it doesn’t seem like he could push it any further than that, but —

Aha! I know, he’ll claim that he invented the Blackberry! That’s right, John McCain, who claims that he cannot use a computer, cannot send an email, cannot open a website, does not know about the internet, nevertheless invented the Blackberry. Bravo!

So, check this out. A few days ago, the National Review, a dead-end conservative rag, defends McCain’s technological impairment from those mean, mean Democrats by claiming, you know what, John McCain can’t use a Blackberry because — yes, that’s right — he was a POW. How DARE the Democrats pick on a POW for being unable to use a Blackberry, how DARE they! He can’t type with his fingers or lift a Blackberry to his ear because of the terrible, terrible wounds he received as a POW.

Oh — except that he does. All the time.

Next, we will hear that he invented the telephone — why not? He was alive back then.

UPDATE: McCain, not even kidding, now claims to have invented cell phones and wifi as well.

Comments

26 Responses to “Campaign update”
  1. pseydtonne says:

    “The Party invented the helicopter, and eventually the Party will have invented the airplane.”

  2. clayfoot says:

    The war injury just makes it hard and painful to type on a keyboard, among other things. McCain still reads and uses email, and has for years.

    I’m baffled why McCain would insist that our economy is still fundamentally strong. It’s true, but I just don’t see how repeating it helps him.

    • xbt says:

      Here you go. Drink up!

      Photobucket

    • Anonymous says:

      I think he’s trying to use the fairly honest fact that the underpinnings of our economy are still strong to conveniently ignore all the huge, glaring things about our economy that are nonetheless very badly wrong, and also at least partly the result of the same policies he and his advisors either now support or have supported for years.

      By using the small truth to gloss over the larger one, he’s only making moderate-to-liberals like me consider him more out of touch. Of course, to my grandma (one of my grandmas, anyway), he is of course heroically defending our great nation against the scary black man who wants to steal our money from us and give it to Somebody Else.

      — N.A.

    • gillan says:

      Our fundamentally strong economy just saw the worst day of Wall Street losses since 9/11.

      • clayfoot says:

        I know, right? It just looks silly. Even before this, we’ve had a string of these little disasters, one after the other. Now, to most of us, it won’t matter all that much, but what’s the the point to insisting that economy is fundamentally strong? How McCain thinks this helps him McCain win votes or support, I do not know.

        • gillan says:

          Well I suppose he’s trying to appeal to the people who don’t want to believe that the economy is seeing a downturn, and I’m sure those people exist.

  3. papajoemambo says:

    I wish when McCain stood in front of a “Country First” sign that he’d leave mine the f*ck out of it.

    The BlackBerry was developed by Research in Motion, a telecommunications company up here in Canada.

    John McCain as Doctor Evil’s father “My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Some times he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy, the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament…”

    • clayfoot says:

      Re: I wish when McCain stood in front of a “Country First” sign that he’d leave mine the f*ck out of

      Yes, yes; this point has been relentless repeated all over the place, as has the point that McCain didn’t personally say this; it’s just a gaffe by McCain’s economic adviser. It might be more useful to examine the underlying point, which is that McCain has worked tirelessly to reduce regulations and taxes on the telecom industry (which made the Blackberry, etc. so ubiquitous), and was this really such a good idea, considering the state of US wireless service vs other developed countries?

      • xbt says:

        Re: I wish when McCain stood in front of a “Country First” sign that he’d leave mine the f*ck out of

        Yes, he has worked tirelessly to reduce regulations on the telecom industry — which is why, shortly after he’s elected, you will not be able to read blogs like this. Mazel tov!

      • papajoemambo says:

        Re: I wish when McCain stood in front of a "Country First" sign that he'd leave mine t

        Is he John McCain and does he “endorse that message” or doesn’t he?

        The underlying point, is that he has no idea what he’s saying half of the time, and the other half of the time he’s lying. But he’s a former POW – HOW DARE WE ask him to get SOMETHING, *ANYTHING* straight.

        This citizen of a developed country, the country who developed the IT in question, is wondering what the Hell he is talking about when he says this nonsense or allows THOSE WHO ARE REPRESENTING HIM to say the same kind of nonsense.

        I hope it’s, at least, a TASTY kind of Kool Ade you’ve got there.

        • sbrungardt says:

          Re: I wish when McCain stood in front of a "Country First" sign that he'd leave mine t

          “I hope it’s, at least, a TASTY kind of Kool Ade you’ve got there.”

          This made me laugh out loud. Thank you.

          It is quite tasty, with a healthy dose of “brownies” and a beer from the creepy guy eyeing us up all night.

      • Todd says:

        Re: I wish when McCain stood in front of a “Country First” sign that he’d leave mine the f*ck out of

        It’s not a “gaffe” by McCain’s economic adviser, it’s a carefully constructed lie, which has gone un-retracted, designed to spread more bullshit around the media.

        • clayfoot says:

          Re: I wish when McCain stood in front of a “Country First” sign that he’d leave mine the f*ck out of

          That economic adviser guy said it only this morning, and he didn’t even name the Blackberry; he just waved it around for visual effect. That’s from your own source. I think the actual claim made bears scrutiny, but the claim about inventing the Blackberry is purely fabricated –not even really worth addressing seriously.

          • Todd says:

            Re: I wish when McCain stood in front of a “Country First” sign that he’d leave mine the f*ck out of

            “the claim about inventing the Blackberry is purely fabricated”

            Oh good, so you agree it’s a lie.

            “not even really worth addressing seriously.”

            Which is how I feel about the entire McCain campaign, except that for some reason they’ve decided to run the guy for president so it feels like maybe it’s kind of a big deal to pay attention.

            Incidentally, when he was confronted with this lie he decided to compound it by adding that he had invented cell phones and wifi, too. Just the sort of genius we need in the White House after eight years of straight-shooters Bush and Cheney.

      • papajoemambo says:

        Re: I wish when McCain stood in front of a “Country First” sign that he’d leave mine the f*ck out of

        If that point “has been relentlessly repeated allover the place”, why was the National Review defending it a few days ago?

        Are you *ALL* liars, or do you just prefer their company?

      • worker11811 says:

        Re: I wish when McCain stood in front of a “Country First” sign that he’d leave mine the f*ck out of

        It looks like the dog in your avatar will never wake up. I wonder if you will?

      • swan_tower says:

        Re: I wish when McCain stood in front of a “Country First” sign that he’d leave mine the f*ck out of

        He voted against the Telecommunications Act of 1996, which laid the foundations of most of what we’re seeing today. The legislation he has supported (most of which hasn’t passed, fortunately) has mostly been of the sort that would benefit the big companies and not the consumers; you can call that de-regulation, but I still don’t think it would have been a good idea. And sure, he didn’t vote against the Internet Tax Freedom Act — but only three people did, so it isn’t like his was a deciding vote, and he didn’t apparently think the legislation was important enough to co-sponsor.

        In other words, I don’t think his record justifies him claiming much credit for the development of the industry.

        As for it being “just a gaffe,” when it’s coming from a campaign even Karl Rove says has stretched the truth too far . . . yeah. I’m not inclined to cut even one centimeter of slack.

  4. chatoyant_1 says:

    Ever since Al Gore invented the internet the Republicans have been looking for some equivalent.

    • Todd says:

      Maybe McCain means that he invented the blackberry, meaning the actual fruit the phone-thing is named after. He’s certainly old enough to have done so.

    • papajoemambo says:

      “In the Spring we made meat helmets…”

      John McCain IS Doctor Evil’s father “My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Some times he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy, the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament…”

  5. ndgmtlcd says:

    Gee, does that mean that McCain is a secret founder of the Perimeter Institute for Theoretical Physics?

    Is there a secret Republican base in the basements of the institute?

  6. johnnycrulez says:

    Do vampires count in the monster movie crusade?