Synopses of movies I haven’t seen, based solely on their posters: San Andreas















San Francisco splits wide open and the Transamerica building crumbles. Meanwhile, Dwayne Johnson sees something more interesting over his shoulder.

Synopses of movies I haven’t seen, based solely on their posters: Killing Lincoln



































At the last moment, Lincoln regrets volunteering for Booth’s party trick.

Synopses of movies I haven’t seen, based solely on their posters: Think Like a Man






























The one guy is like “Whu-oh” and his wife is like “Grrr” and this one woman is like “HELL-o!” and her guy is like “Sigh” and this other guy is like “Yikes!” and this lady is like “Don’t You Dare” and another guy is like “Heyyyyyy” and another guy is like “Who, me?” and his girlfriend is like “Come here, you sexy thing!”


Synopses of movies I haven’t seen, based solely on their posters: The American

George Clooney desperately races to get away from a woman with an enormous orange head.

Synopses of movies I haven’t seen, based solely on their posters: The Switch

Jennifer Aniston is shocked when Jason Bateman drinks some semen and finds it “…not bad.”

Synopses of movies I haven’t seen yet, based solely on their posters: Rambo

Rambo is sad.

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Synopses of movies I haven’t seen yet, based solely on their posters: Stardust

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Somewhere in a far-away magic place, Robert DeNiro is worried. And a little sad. I don’t know what’s worrying him, but it must be something pretty bad, because he’s Robert Freaking DeNiro.  What would worry Vito Corleone, Travis Bickle or Max Cady?  It must be some great big monster or something.

Maybe the big monster or something is endangering the boat he’s driving — he’s worried, but his crew is struck with abject horror.  I don’t think they’re horrified by the lightning storm behind them — presumably when Robert DeNiro picked a crew for his sea-going vessel, he made sure that his men wouldn’t be scared by lightning storms.

Whatever it is, if Robert DeNiro is worried and a little sad about it, I’m worried about it too and more than a little sad.

But look! Michelle Pfeiffer isn’t worried or sad at all! No, over on her side of the poster, where the light is sunnier, she’s not worried or sad one bit. Know why? She’s got a secret! And she’s not telling Robert DeNiro. It must be a pretty big secret, she’s doing the villain finger-steeple trick while she contemplates it.  O delicious secret, let me make a steeple of my own fingers while I contemplate you, too!

I’m guessing Michelle Pfeiffer’s delicious secret impacts most strongly on the young couple in the middle of the blazing, misty sunset. This couple may be deeply in love, but they are headed for endsville, you can tell, because the Tall, Dark, Handsome Guy (TDHG) with the sword has just been startled by some life-threatening thing behind him (maybe the same big scary monster that worries Robert DeNiro).

But wait!  Claire Danes, TDHG’s girlfriend, has a secret too! Whatever just snuck up on this young couple, TDHG just got caught unawares, but Claire Danes knew about it the whole time. In fact, I’d say that Claire Danes set up her boyfriend! She’s Mata Hari!  But wait!  She’s Claire Danes, she can’t be that evil.  Maybe there’s merely been some kind of misunderstanding.  Maybe it turns out that the Big Scary Thing isn’t big or scary after all.

What do Guy With Pipe (GWP) and Older Guy With Sword (OGWS) think about all this brouhaha?

GWP is skeptical — he’s seen it all, GWP has, maybe he’s tangled with Secretive Michelle Pfeiffer before, maybe he knows something about Possibly Duplicitous Claire Danes, but mostly GWP has kept to himself over the years, leaning back, smoking his pipe by the firelight and thinking about the wild adventures of his youth, when bulky felt hats were all the rage.

OGWS, on the other hand, isn’t ready to settle down — he’s got somebody to fight! With a sword!  Is the the Big Scary Thing?  I don’t know, but responsibility hangs heavy on the brow of OGWS, and confusion.

Why is he confused? Maybe because his left arm doesn’t quite match up with the sword he’s carrying. No, it looks like his left arm is about six inches higher than his sword, and furthermore, seems to be carrying some sort of ill-defined blunderbuss (which, as any gun expert will tell you, is the worst kind). So either OGWS has dislocated his left forearm, or someone else is sneaking up behind him, or else the sword is maybe acting on its own accord. Any one of these things would be enough to worry me, especially if I were not famous enough to get my name on a poster.

In summation: the men greatly outnumber the women in this faraway magic place, but that’s okay because the women have secrets.

UPDATE: It appears that Mr. Neil Gaiman has stumbled upon this post. Greetings, Mr. Gaiman and his fans! I mean no disrespect and greatly look forward to seeing your movie.

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