Ad Men

(An ad agency.  AD MAN and four lackeys.)

A.  Guys, good work.  We finally have our first million-dollar campaign.  Let’s hear it for us.


A.  Enough gaiety.  We have serious work ahead of us.  We hit a bullseye on this, we’ll be sitting pretty for the next one thousand years.  We have to write nothing less than the catchiest jingle ever written.  Can we do it?


A.  The product is Hot Dogs.

1.  What?

2.  Hot dogs.

3.  What?

A.  Hot Dogs.  Armour Hot Dogs.  Jim, whaddaya got?

1.  Hot dogs are a very popular product.  We should have no problem identifying our market and pitching to it.  But here’s the job: The Armour corporation wants to skew their demographics to a more youthful profile.  It is their desire that Armour Hot Dogs be the primary choice among young humans age three to eleven.

2.  Kids.

A.  Precisely.  But they also want to identify specific elements within that demographic and pitch directly to them.  So as you can see, we have our work cut out for us.

ALL.  Hmmm.

2.   Hot dogs.

3.  Armour Hot Dogs.

4.  What kind of kids like Armour Hot Dogs?

A.  That is precisely the question we need to ask.  “What kind of kids eat Armour Hot Dogs?”

2.  I have no idea.

3.  Geez, this is a tough one.

4.  It’s maddening.  What kind of kids do eat Armour Hot Dogs?

A.  That’s what we need to figure out.  We have to sharpen our brains, roll up our sleeves and TOUGH THIS THING OUT.




1.  Fat kids?


A.  Fat kids.  Fat kids?  Fat kids.  Yes.  Fat kids probably eat Armour Hot Dogs.  Obese children, in all likelihood, have a predilection for eating Armour Hot Dogs.  Good.  Good!  Who else?

2.  Skinny kids?

A.  It’s a little obvious, but good.  Skinny kids, sure.  Who else?

(Long pause.)

3.  Kids engaged insome sort of activity?

A.  Damn it Kyle, we have to deal in specifics here!  WHAT kind of activity?

3.  Kids who, kids who — build furniture for a living?

4.  Kids who collect rare specimens of insects!

2.  Kids who write provocative first novels!

1.  Kids who manufacture internal combustion engines!

A.  No, no — these are all good, but we have to keep it simple.

4.  Kids who defecate.

A.  Not that simple.

3.  Kids who grow old and die.

2.  Kids who do their own shopping.

A.  NO NO NO!  These are the lamest ideas I’ve ever heard in my life!  NOW COME ON!  WHAT KIND OF KIDS EAT ARMOUR HOT DOGS!


1.  Kids who…climb…on…rocks?


A.  Okay.  I’ll buy that.  Who else?

2.  Tough kids.

A.  Good!  Now we’re cooking with gas!  Who else?

3.  Latent homosexual kids!

A.  Hm.  I like the direction, but it’s got too many syllables.

4.  Potentially homosexual kids.


1. “Maybe gay” kids.

2.  “Kids who might be gay”.

3.  “Kids in doubt of their sexuality”.

4.  “Kids who go both ways.”

A.  Hm.  That’s close.  Let’s come back to it.  Who else?


1.  Kids with infectious diseases.

A.  Jim, don’t be a jerk.  What did I say before?  We can’t give them a phrase like “Kids With Infectious Diseases.”  What the hell does that mean?  We have to be SPECIFIC!  What KIND of infectious diseases?

2.  Cholera?

3.  Bubonic plague?

4.  Amebic dysentery?

1.  Not infectious.  Epstein-Barr Virus.

A.  Wait.  That’s good.  “Kids with Epstein-Barr Virus love Hot Dogs.”  Man.  That’s so close.  But it’s not good enough.  Don’t you see? This jingle has to be PERFECT.  And if we have to stay here all night, we will MAKE IT SO.  So roll up your sleeves and grab a cup of coffee, because we’re in for a bumpy ride.

(Blackout.  Pause.)

(Lights up.  Much later.  It’s been a long night.)

1.  Polio?

A.  No.

2.  Spanish influenza?

A.  No.

2.  It was real big in 1918.

3.  Yellow fever?

A.  No.

4.  Anthrax!

A.  Better but no.

1.  Malaria.

A.  No.

2.  Whooping cough.

A.  No!

2.  No, we could even say it funny: “WHOOPing cough!”

A.  No.

3.  Rubella.

A.  No, they have a cure.

4.  Swine flu.

A.  No no no.  These are all bullshit.  We have to get serious here.  This should be a disease that’s essentially harmless to children, but extremely dangerous to their parents.

1.  Measles.

2.  Mumps.

3.  Spastic colitis.

4.  Blastomycosis.

1.  Botulism!

2.  Diphtheria!

3.  Encephalitis!

4.  Gonorrhea!

1.  Hepatitis!

2.  Herpes simplex!

3.  Histoplasmosis!

4.  Hookworm!

1.  Mononucleosis!

2.  Pertussis!

3.  That’s whooping cough.  Scarlet fever!

4.  Spotted fever!

1.  Syphilis!

2.  Tapeworm!

3.  Toxoplasmosis!

4.  Trichomoniasis!

1.  Chicken pox!

2.  Typhus!

A.  Wait!  Go back.

2.  Typhus?

3.  Toxoplasmosis?

4.  Trichomoniasis?

A.  No!  No!

1.  Chicken pox?

A.  Chicken pox.  Chicken pox.  Wait.  “Even kids with Chicken Pox Love Hot Dogs.”



(General disappointment.)

What was the last one I liked?

1.  Lyme disease.

A.  Fuck it. We’ll go with that.  Let’s get the hell out of here.

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12 Responses to “Ad Men”
  1. thunder24 says:

    Well, that was certainly amusing.
    Does make you wonder about that ad campaign, and how somehow it became firmly entrenched in our counciousness.

    Okay and now it’s stuck in my head…

    Damn you.

  2. ayrn says:

    Harkens to the Cleesian list skits of Monty Python whilst retaining a Kids In The Hall everyday surrealism flavor. Too clever for SNL. Would fit Mr. Show, although they seemed to veer away from real-life brands.
    I like skits.

  3. mcbrennan says:

    This entire thing was hilarious. Hearing the song in my head made it that much more lovely…”kids who go both ways…” For some reason “toxoplasmosis” was the thing that put me in complete hysterics.

  4. ‘Far out, man.’

    It reminds me (a little) of the Hudsucker Proxy. But more twisted.

  5. ghostgecko says:

    You certainly have an interesting way of squandering time 🙂

  6. urbaniak says:

    I was in that sketch when it was performed on stage several years ago and people still fondly recall my portrayal of Lackey 1.

  7. elfmoogle says:

    I just found your journal, and wow. This cracked me up. LOL. I needed that. *chuckles*